Always marry the right person

OK, a lot is going on with us at the moment and a lot needs to be done quickly. And that makes me realize once again how perfect of a match Helga and I are. Helga is great at multitasking and I am awesome at doing sweet fuck all. I married the right woman, which is not surprising because I am right about everything pretty much all the time.

The night is going great

The boys joined me at our place and we are pulling an all-nighter watching UFC 248 live from the T-Mobile Arena (Helga and the kid are asleep upstairs).

And my homeboy Mark Madsen has just defeated Austin Hubbard, so the night is going great.





The co-main event is a rare example of a women's fight that I am interested in watching. Joanna Jedrzejczyk will take on Weili Zhang to get her title back. Joanna is mean. And it is a somewhat new Joanna:



Her husband trains her by the way.

Do not go gentle into that good night

Today I met three people in their early twenties who argued with me that science is rubbish and oppressive but Indian astrology and horoscopes are awesome and "in fact not less proven than science because so many people have been using it for thousands of years and it has always worked and all those people cannot be stupid". They also argued that we have to base ourselves more on astrology and horoscopes and end "the hegemony of science". These kids look totally normal and are university students. They also have zero understanding of what science is and have little to none reasoning ability (but a lot of conviction).

It made me feel that we greatly overate how definitive our victory over stupid actually is. I think it can come back much faster than we think and we will start burning infants alive again to get some rain. We did that for quite a while too, so can't be wrong (also not oppressive at all, unlike science).

Need to clear something in advance: I have nothing against some of my middle-aged gay friends who don't seem to be able to have a conversation for longer than 13 seconds without bringing up horoscopes. Mostly because they do not demand that we replace science with them.

I am leaving Helga

Helga brought vegan, lactose-free and sugar-free ice cream into the house today. Clearly, this means that our marriage is automatically annulled. I have been living a lie, which ended with this cruel betrayal. I have to think now how to talk to the kid and break the news to him.

Obviously, I will be suing for full custody based on Helga being unfit to parent a child. If sucking all the joy out of your kid's childhood by denying him the extreme pleasure of beautifully creamy and sweet ice cream is not extreme cruelty and a prime example of dangerous parenting, I don't know what is.

Your thoughts and prayers to support me on this unexpected journey to become a single father are much appreciated. #PrayForTopum

PS: For now I will lock Helga out of the house while I think this through.

Coronavirus: we are all gonna die!

The first cases of COVID-19 have been confirmed here in mainland Spain. My prediction is that the whole country will be sick within a week. All of us here with no exceptions.

You see coughing in each other's face is Spain's most sacred tradition. It is done at every opportunity. It strikes you on day one here. And everyone has a cough at all times (you would think why the hell with this climate). And people go out of their ways to cough in your face. You haven't met someone unless you coughed in his or her face. Do it everywhere. Waiting to cross the road? Turn to the person standing next to you, stare at him or her for fifteen seconds then do this:



And never ever cover your cough! Never! Except if you are a supermarket cashier. If you are, then cover your cough with your hands (never a tissue!) and then immediately proceed to use those hands to scan and pack everyone's baby milk. That's the only situation where covering your cough is acceptable.

So, yeah: